One time I bought a fish. He was a beta and the pet store had put him in a tank full of white fish who had bit off all his fins to keep him submissive. When I bought him, he was almost clear in color. One year after living in his own tank he had the longest, most vibrant colored fins I have ever seen on a fish. I feel like that fish.
There are specific people in my life, that are not really in my life unless they require something. They love to fight and fuss and make events more stressful than they have to be. They are difficult for me to be around because they always rally together and leave me out and they don’t respond to my love. I have to believe, that without knowing it, they have rejected, abused and neglected me because they need to have someone to be angry with at all times, and I am an easy target.
I have nightmares of hands around my throat…
These people, I love, have had no compassion for me as I have tried to explain Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which is very close to PTSD), Panic Anxiety Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, in fact, they tend to antagonize me. They never ask me questions and hear my answers. They don’t share their lives with me and they don’t come to anything I invite them to. Yet they all, individually attack me about events that haven’t happened yet. This behavior is a habit that we have all been taught to do. I don’t think they would agree to how I experience them and I am pretty sure they would be upset to read this.
This behavior has taken many things from me because it is easier to avoid them; I am sure they think I am selfish and hard to be around. I have missed out on family events and relationships. I don’t have a cell phone anymore because I can’t answer calls or text messages. Seeing that I have personal messages on Facebook fills me with fear that they might be trying to tell me what to do or criticize me. This is the reason I don’t get on Facebook very often anymore.
These people, who love me in their own way, but not the way I feel love, don’t call me because they want to know how I am or to tell me they love me. They don’t answer any of my little notes and letters. I live in shell-shock around any holiday or planned family event because every single event, includes being circled by these people. Yes I owe some of them money but I don’t think that justifies their childish behavior, like being unfriended and blocked by some (it was amazing how many of them left on the same weekend) and using others to communicate for them.
Why am I writing this?
I am tired of being either ignored or attacked right up until the time we are supposed to get together and then put on our perfect masks in front of the rest of the people we are with. In my life it was required that I keep lots of secrets and I just don’t want to anymore; being honest is the only way I know to let God’s light in to heal me and protect me. I also don’t want to keep individually responding to the texts they send to Karen and the private messages and emails they send to me in order to fight about insignificant things. I know they are mourning the loss of Grandma Clemenson and upset just like me, but I don’t live in their tank anymore.
I am amazing, beautiful and I must live my life the way God leads me. I am only responsible for me and my house. I was made to be loved and to love and I am worthy of being listened to and heard. The people who love me are my family and they are supportive and present. I am rich woman, not financially, but my life, in Jesus, is simple and magical and loving. This is what my tank looks like and people who don’t know me, may have trouble understanding any of this and that is ok.
I am not here to make people happy but to be relational; I can’t be forgiving if I don’t know what is going on with you and I don’t care about frivolous things. I am here to love through relationship and if you wont let me have one with you, then I must continue to do what I need to do without considering you. I am not here to protect anyone from their circumstances or treat adults like children. I will protect children from adults, as I am called, and from this stance I will never be moved without a word from God. I respectfully ask you to talk to God about anything you have against me, as I do for you, because His grace is the only way.
BTW I have recently read or am currently reading the following books and yes, I think they have inspired some of my post:
- Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
- The Shack by William Paul Young
- Justice Calling Live Love, Show Compassion, Be Changed by Palmer Chinches, PhD
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
The Lord is with you always.