Guilt that doesn’t lead to repentance is wasted. Guilt that is used as a weapon of war is just another mutation that humanity created from a tool God gave us to help build us into His version of us.
Today Karen said she had never met a white family that fought so much like a black family as mine…
I am a thinker and a feeler who was raised by fighters. I can fight, but when I fight I want the end goal to be relationship and love and growth. If I don’t perceive that will occur I wont show up. If it breaks out while I am there I feel trapped and I will eventually leave, inside myself. I don’t mean to do it but it is how I defend myself; besides not coming back…If you keep attacking me until I see no other way out I will engage but afterward I feel highly offended and deeply hurt that I would be disrespected and dishonored in this manner and I will feel terrible because there comes a point that every ounce of fury inside me, old and new, becomes my arsenal. This makes me feel doubly angry because only my family – people I love – push me this hard because they love to fight about everything and create drama and they insist on making me join in. Since no one hears me, there is no such thing as a calm conversation because that requires trust that I don’t have toward them.
I don’t trust my family. There is so much dysfunction in their communication that things don’t make sense and betrayal happens easily. Communication in confidence tends to morph into tools to use against who ever is on the chopping block that week. I think I live there now because I don’t want to play their games and I have the audacity to believe I am important and my physical and mental health requires that I not forget that.
When my family pushes me so hard that I lose control of myself and I end up decimating them in order to get them away from them, relationship and love has been damaged. Sometimes that damage can’t be repaired.
“Judge not that you not be judged.” Matthew 7:1
I prefer to be a builder because my Heavenly Father is a builder and I was made in His image. My earthly father is a builder too, but when it comes to love and war he has to win; he has to be king…so does many of my other family members. Family get togethers should not be a war zone.
“And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.” John 17:3
I don’t want to be Winnie’s daughter anymore.
And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breathe of life; and man became a living being. Genesis 2:7
Jesus doesn’t require me to fight to the death. He too is about building relationship and love.
But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, “Why have you made me like this?” Does not the potter have power over the clay, from the same lump to make one vessel for honor and another for dishonor? Romans 9:20-21
I have been a casualty of my family for too long. I have scars that can’t heal because my family members take turns ripping them open just as they have begun to heal. Guilt is meant to bring us to repentance but in my family guilt is used to bring a few of us to our knees. Jesus in me should not have to be abused this way and I am exhausted.
I beseech you therefore brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:1-2
We all have needs.
If your needs are presented to me in a way that helps me love you and you do the same for me we will both win. We don’t have to always be cutting each other to pieces.
Thus says the Lord God: “Behold, I am against the shepherds and I will require My flock at their hand; I will cause them to stop feeding the sheep, and the shepherds shall feed themselves no more; for I will deliver My flock from their mouths, that they may no longer be food for them.” For thus says the Lord God: “Indeed I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out. As a shepherd seeks out his flock on the day he is among his scattered sheep, so I will seek out My sheep and deliver them from all the places where they were scattered on a cloudy and dark day.” Ezekiel 34:10-12
In this part of Ezekiel God is angry because the teachers have continuously misled Israel and Judah and now His wrath is so great He had punished them with captivity, sickness and war. These teachers have been making themselves great, on the backs of the people, and doing what the corrupt government wanted them to do instead of leading the people in the ways of God. So God is speaking to them so they know He had taken their job from them and after the time of captivity, the Lord will be the Shepherd of His people and will seek them out among the nations and care for them Himself.
I am so thankful for God’s light and truth. My whole life He has been leading me to His truth and light. I am so thankful that as I am honest He heals me in His timing, which is perfectly my timing, even when I feel impatient. Although I have been misled and I have misled others; I have had my authority stolen and I have stolen other’s authority or given mine away – God is faithful to show me through guilt, as He meant it used, to bring me to repentance when I can be honest with Him and seek forgiveness and He can shine His light on my dark places so we can move forward in our relationship and love.
Thank You God.
Blessed are the people who know the joyful sound! They walk, O Lord, in the light of Your countenance. Psalm 89:15
I am so thankful that in my adoption by God, I get to live in His light.
Winnie accused me, last week, of trying to “piss off” the whole family for the last 2 years. This statement shows me how my whole health experience over the last 3 years has not encouraged even an ounce of compassion. Winnie proved how my family has to right more then they want relationship.
This causes me to feel sad and angry.
I could include a lot of negative memories here…Thank You God that You already know these things and You know where to shine Your light.
To be honest, the last fight can be blamed on me. My niece wanted to come to my grandmother’s funeral and I was glad to bring her. She wants to be part my family. For her own reasons, my sister does not want her ex-step-daughter around her and the rest of the family rallied around her, against me who refused to tell my niece I wouldn’t bring her.
Where is my guilt? 2 places:
- I don’t trust my family and I couldn’t tell them why I needed my niece to be there, so I relied on one tidbit of truth: I refuse to reject her like I have been rejected and I was not going to tell her no….although I did tell her that at least 2 of my sisters, and I suspected my step-mother, did not want her there…and her half-brother and sister would not be there and I wanted this teenage girl with PTSD to make a good choice for her mental well-being, even if that meant she didn’t come.
- I don’t feel loved by my family and I wanted to bring another person, in addition to my wife, that I do feel loved by, to an event that is stressful at best, where they will all have each other and I will just have Karen, who is my soldier but only one person.
My family has told other family members that this fight and my need to bring my niece is about money I owe them. It isn’t. My fight is about relationship and how fed up I am that my family is not relationship-oriented. As much as they all want to be accepted for who they are, they don’t want to know who I am, yet they want me around so they can be proud of their accomplishments. I feel like a damn doll that can be put on a shelf and brought out to show off at their whim.
I am not a doll.
I am not who they want.
The way I love doesn’t penetrate their hearts enough to hold us together and the way they love doesn’t feel good to me at all. The good memories are bittersweet because I wish I had known how to appreciate them better, but I didn’t.
I didn’t know I had Anxiety Disorder or OCD; I knew I suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts but I didn’t know why…I wasn’t trying to be difficult. I am not trying to be difficult. But there are things about life that are and have always been difficult for me.
Karen was talking about my recovery today. She is so patient with me and I am so thankful for her. She wishes that they understood that I am not “all better.” I am on a path and I am learning tools to help but I am very vulnerable. I can’t put myself in the midst of all of them. I would like to see my family but not together.
The rules I share with them are not to make their lives difficult, they are there to help me on my path and if they can’t be part of my path, I will just have to trust My Father to take care of them.
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
The Lord is with you always.