I was in the bathroom and as I floated in the bubbles in my head…I guess that is how I can describe them; it is like each eyeball has at least 2 vantage points, some here and some somewhere else and it is hard to decide to be where you are, there was a small voice [God] that told me that even though I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, by telling my truths I have.
I want to preface that I have never been physically or sexually abused, that I can recall. It may have been barely, but I have always had what I needed physically. By most people’s standards, I have only known a blessed life. When I speak of my family I don’t want any of my readers to be confused:
My family members, all of them, are intelligent, successful, have successful relationships, they are generous and they contribute to society. They all have their own issues that they have dealt with in the way they knew how and I don’t believe they have ever emotionally abused me on purpose.
For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.
I know that my reality is not the reality everyone else experiences; but it is mine.
As a child and to this day I have been plagued with horrible visions, while awake, and terrible nightmares while asleep (not everyday, Thank God!). I was often afraid and my vivid imagination didn’t help. Because I am too sensitive, there have been times in my life that I didn’t know the difference between my feelings and the feelings of others. There are lots of rules I have had to make for myself in order for me to be able to gauge reality and my chemical imbalance.
- Violence is NEVER an option
- I will not kill myself
- Listen to God when I can’t trust myself…
- Ask myself lots of questions
- Avoid people when I am too emotional
I have always been this way. I used to be able to just move on, find something to throw myself into and forget the pain but as my mental illness has progressed I don’t have that strength anymore. The words I say and write are raw, because I am always raw. I literally feel like my muscles are always burning as if I have just finished a triathlon…I have never even trained for one but sometimes, like this time while I am mourning a great loss and my family is also mourning, the pain is constant. I look forward to when my body will calm down and it will, my illness generally cycles monthly and I usually have a few really good days and most of the other times I can just detach from any emotional and physical pain I might be experiencing.
When I express myself it is because I am a disorganized on the inside and I am choosing to let honesty of my words to rise up to God and let Him handle them. I have tried lumping them all together and asking for Him to take them, but that hasn’t worked for me. It seems that, like a detective I must sift through the evidence and bag it and label it and submit it for evaluation. I am causing pain to people who have their own difficult memories and experiences, not because I want to but because we travel this world together, whether we realize it or not and it is causing them to feel things they don’t want to feel.
“When you’re doing what’s right for you, it’s okay to say it once, simply, and then refuse to discuss anything further.” Toby Rice Drews
It is my experience that many of my family members cannot let me do this. They need me to be beautiful and presentable and do things in the way that makes them the most comfortable. I can’t do that right now. I don’t know that that is an option for me. My realness is inconvenient for myself and for those who love me.
I don’t know any other way.
It is not polite to lie about what we want, need, think or feel – It is lying. I am not lying. I am explaining all these old feelings that I am having trouble getting through – but I know I will because God never leaves and He never gets tired.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
I am not walking this path alone. God has let me know that He is driving. It is ok that I am just along for the ride right now. He has put Karen in the driver’s seat and even though, to some, it appears that she is controlling me and leading me away from who I once was, that is not the case. But she does deserve respect because:
- She is always there for the good and the bad
- She loves our family, all of them, and encourages me to consider all sides
- She looks to God and my counselors for wisdom
- She values great communication as much as I do
I have not intentionally accused my family of any measurable abuse. What I have experienced is that I needed more than what they had to give, emotionally and mentally. I have accused them of thoughtlessness and poor communication.
Like my silly cat, Xavier, who loves to chase things, only he can see, I too am chasing things that mostly only I can see. But they are very real to me.
I saw my counselor yesterday. She told me that it is not bad to be selfish and she wanted me to keep considering what I need, want and don’t want. She also wants to me name what I am afraid of since fear is what causes all negative things. I am going to chew on this for awhile.
She asked me if I had created any boundaries and I told her I had, but my family doesn’t like them. She told me it is ok if they don’t like my boundaries. They are my boundaries and they are for me so that I can take care of myself.
- I am intimidated by phones and I don’t leave voicemails unless it is to sing “Happy Birthday“.
- I don’t like Facebook, FB private messages or email.
- I don’t text.
- I don’t have to respond.
- I don’t have to explain or justify myself or my actions.
If I choose to communicate in the ways that are hard for me, it is probably more for the benefit of the person I am communicating with than mine.
My amazing clients have no problem with being told to contact Karen if they need me. They don’t think it is weird and they are thankful to know what my boundaries are so we can work together for their benefit. I am so thankful for them!!!!!
Every day I will bless You, and I will praise Your name forever and ever. Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised; and His greatness is unsearchable.
The Lord is righteous in all His ways, gracious in all His works. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them.
Psalm 145:2-3; 17-19
I must stop blaming myself and others for what has already happened.
I don’t know how.
Only God can understand what is in my heart since there are no words spoken or written that can heal my heart and yours if we are not on the same page. Since my story is mine and your story is yours, even if, in reality, the story is ours, only God can see and hear and know and attest to what really happened. My responsibility is mine and no one else’s and the same can be said by anyone to me.
I will bless and praise My God every day forever because His greatness, holiness and worthiness is unsearchable. Only God is righteous and gracious in all His ways. Even if I am made in His image, I am a work in progress and I am going to hurt people by accident sometimes.
The Lord is with me always because I invited Him and He is the only One who doesn’t get sick of me and want to quit the job He set out to do. The relationship I have with Him in truth, to some, may seem brutally honest, but why would I waste my time hiding from my Maker who knows everything about me?
It is not wrong for me to be selfish because I am the only one responsible for me. There is no intentional malice in my actions or feelings but I do know I will have to trust God to heal the people that I will hurt while I learn how to name my fear, my needs and wants.
My Father knows my heart and He knows my desire. He knows the deepest part of me and He knows what I must learn, and grow and feel to get that desire. He is with me every step of the way and His grace surrounds me. He has heard my cry and He is saving me, just as He knows all our cries and He is saving all His children.
For this I cannot say “Thank you” enough because He is my joy when I can’t find joy and He is my joy when my joy abounds. So night and day, in my spirit, I praise Him for He is good!
Thank You Jesus!
The Lord make His face shine upon you, to be gracious to you; The Lord lifts up His countenance upon you, and give you peace.
I need the Lord to shine on you. Why? Because until I figure out the right prayer to pop the seething emotional balloons inside me so they can float away forever, every pent up emotion I stuffed throughout my life is screaming to be seen and heard. I literally hear screaming in my head often. That angry little girl inside me, I call her Anna, is very upset. She is very strong-willed and she wants revenge.
I don’t want revenge. I want peace…but Anna is very strong and I am too easily stimulated and I am always at some point on my way to tilt. My skin crawls, my pulse races, my body twitches to release the tension. In my logical mind, I understand how crazy this sounds; I wish I could just tell myself to stop.
But that is mental illness.
Some of you can hear me. My counselor forbid me to continue saying I was a mess. She said I had this wonderful way of empathizing with others and seeing their side, in addition to my own, in a nonjudgmental way. She told me I am a work in progress.
You can’t see this part of me in a blog entry or an email or text, but I am doing my work and must stay away from people who don’t respect my boundaries and who can’t communicate well and ask questions before they become too passionate.
I once described my nephew with ADHD and OCD like a pendulum; there is a part of him that is always in motion. When he was upset, I found it was best to slow way down, listen and give him space and forgiveness. Why did I know to do that? I just treated him, how I needed to be treated.
Note: I wrote all of this yesterday. Last night I spoke to God about blame and I think He healed me. I woke up different today. There is a quiet that I haven’t had for a long time. I was hungry (I haven’t felt hungry for a long time). I didn’t feel like I was on fire. I didn’t have to choose to be happy, I just was. I am aware of peace and I feel a lot of love I haven’t been able to access.
I love this.
Thank You Jesus!
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
The Lord is with you always.