When I started writing this I was stuck in a depraved mindset. The original first few sentences were the basis of this whole article…and they are the only ones that didn’t change…
Trust is a two way street. I want to trust that you are not going to hurt me. I want to trust that I am not going to hurt you. I think you want to trust that I am not going to hurt you and I am pretty sure most of you don’t intend to hurt me.
Trust: belief that someone is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.
What have I learned over the last week? I don’t trust most people mainly because I don’t trust myself.
Drama Addicts: People who have become addicted to problems and turmoil. They have become comfortable in emotionally charged experiences. They seek out involvement with problems that are not their own. They create problems because a peaceful life seems boring to them.
In the depravity of my relationship between myself and specific people in my life, we have really good reasons to not trust each other. I don’t trust them because, in their own dysfunction they hurt me and each other. They know what buttons to push to make me explode. They accuse me of being unrealistic or selfish or whatever else they say when I am not around, and I do it back to them. I am suspicious of these people, and whether they intend to hurt me. In some situations I expect them to hurt me, so they do (I have caught myself pushing people who I think might blow just so we can it over with). No matter what perspective we are at, we have all hurt each other.
Manipulation: a type of social influence that aims to change the behavior or perception of others through domination, deceptive or underhanded tactics in order to serve one’s own purposes.
It isn’t as though we all don’t have love for each other, yet from my vantage point, caretaking has taken place of intimacy. We carry things for each other that we don’t need to carry and yet we don’t actually care for each other or trust each other the truth all the time. I feel like I make them uncomfortable. I know they can accuse me of being a frustration to the group because I antagonize them, as they antagonize me.
Controlling: having a need to control other people’s behavior or how something is managed or done.
Maybe they just don’t like me.
This sounds like high school. It isn’t. I graduated 23 years ago.
To be honest I have allowed this abuse and confusion to take up my time; not only when I am with them or communicating with them but I have given them too much of my time when I need to process or try to heal or understand. I have, in my unhealthy codependency, obsessed way too much over this; I have given so much of my life to this that I didn’t realize that I had stopped enjoying them in my fear, and my fear has kept me from enjoying them.
I would not accept this from most people. But these people carry an obligation.
I am different today.
I am learning to take care of myself. When I do what they want, I am no better off than when I don’t, and I am realizing this.
They are probably angry about a lot of things and rightfully so; that is the sad part about being in a group of people who are all codependent, abusive and addicted to drama. We all hurt each other.
I need to stop.
I need to take responsibility for my self-care and right now that includes:
- letting my heart heal.
- learning new ways to think and respond, instead of react.
- learning to love myself and build myself up so I don’t need so much from them. This one is really important.
I need to learn to trust myself.
Today I am handing people who I have experienced unhealthy relationship with and all my emotions and memories, off to God. Every time memories and feelings come up: situations, words said, terrorizing telephone calls, glares…I am giving them to God. Sometimes I have to do it several times and over and over again. Only God knows how to be peace in me and only He knows what is best for me. My goal is do what He wants me to do and only what He empowers me to do. I am praying for these people too.
I do realize that sometimes love and trust doesn’t heal. That is especially true if people don’t think there is a problem.
There will come a day where I need to make amends. I have let my anxiety ruin events for myself and others. I have stayed away and isolated myself and made myself of victim and then was angry at people for my decisions. I have given specific people too much power over me and then treated them poorly because I felt overwhelmed, under-loved and unappreciated. I have taken their actions too personal. I have carried emotions too long that did not bring out the best in any of us. I have borrowed money and been late repaying and let them abuse me for it. I have not stood up for myself in a constructive way and therefore have been deconstructing my part of our relationship. I am going to give all these things to Jesus too. He knows when it is time to rebuild or not.
Right now He is leading me to rebuild myself. Why is this more important? If I have nothing to give, if I have no abundance to give out of, I will continue to deplete myself because God does not empower us to do our own work; He empowers us to do His work.
As far as Anna goes (that little girl inside of me) I told God I didn’t want to take care of her anymore. I am not good at it. I have let her go and I trust God to take care of her.
I have made a few goals for myself that I can manage:
- I will talk to God about everything and stop hiding from Him when my mind is tormenting me with things that are not happening now.
- I will feed my mind healthy knowledge.
- I will spend more time with people who care about me in ways that easily seen and felt.
- I will pray for people as God inspires me to. Every good things comes from Him.
- I will make healthy choices for my body.
- I will work harder to listen more than speak.
- I will face my responsibilities and look to God to help me manage them.
Jesus in me is worthy of being allowed to do what He is good at. It is His job to save and to heal and to renew my mind. He is the only One able to heal us all. Letting Him do his job and loving with His love, is the best way to show Him, my love for Him. I trust that He will keep leading for His glory.
I have made these goals before but this time my resolve is easier to grasp. I will probably slip but I am so thankful for His grace that will protect the people around me as well as myself.
I am so thankful for my life. In a million years, I never thought it would look like this, but there are blessings in every part of my life and I intend to look for them always.
Thank You Jesus.
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
The Lord is with you always.