We heard a great message at church this week; one that caused me to consider what I would change if I could go back in time. I have considered this many times. My list has changed through the years, as I grew up in Jesus. It is amazing how different what we think we need during times of great stress is from when we are spending time getting to know Jesus and our identity in Him…
If I could go back and change my past what would I say to myself:
- Stop listening to anyone but God.
- Forgive myself for falling away asap and get back into the word and communion with God.
- God is a loving Father and bigger than anyone can imagine. Vengeance belongs to Him — not me or anyone else. Don’t waste your time waiting.
- Pure love comes from Jesus’ love inside me. It cannot be found anywhere else. Relationships built on this revelation are not painful, hard or abusive. Looking for love outside of Jesus in me will always fall short in some way.
- The road God planned for me is unlike anyone else’s. His plans are King. I will never measure up to my own or my family’s expectations or the desires of everyone else. God’s plans are defined by my identity in Christ; AKA Jesus’ love inside me.
When I was a young lady I was so confused and angry. My parents’ divorce was brutal and took years to be done; they still don’t want to come to life celebrations at the same time and it has been about 30 years. Yes that still hurts…We all still bear our scars…
My anger was so big that it overtook all my peace. I knew Jesus and He was so faithful to me but I was suicidal, codependent and I hadn’t learned it yet, but I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I remember being 17 years old and sitting on my bedroom floor with my mom’s haircutting scissors in my hand; I had decided to tear up the veins in my arms. As I set my intention with the weapon in hand, I felt a hand grab my wrist holding the scissors and hold it tight. I was alone, or so I thought; there weren’t any humans in the room with me but the Holy Spirit refused to let me do what I wanted. Eventually I realized I had lost and burst into tears. That isn’t the only time God would intervene because He had plans for me.
Just as He has plans for all His children…
Now I see that every moment Jesus has walked with me. I was never alone. Even when I was making poor choices, He was there. With each lesson I learned I became more aware of Him; more aware of myself. He has used every experience I lived to bless someone at some time. If I could go back and change one of my choices, I wouldn’t. But I will share my life as He leads with others. Maybe what I learned and will keep learning on my path will help someone else on their path.
You see, I would not have heard myself back then. I know because there were people who tried to tell me these things. I might have listened. I might have tried to implement some change but eventually I would have stopped hearing; it is natural for codependent people to abuse themselves and I can’t tell you how many times I have punished myself by sabotaging my own plans of success and growth. But Jesus’ faith never fails and I am really learning to like my identity in Christ; I think I am better able to love myself and run back to Jesus as soon as I realize I had tripped, instead of letting myself falter and fail until I can’t walk anymore…
Once you learn to walk with Jesus you really can’t get too far without Him…
But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.
2 Corinthians 3:18
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My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
The Lord is with you always.