I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I want to trust my feelings and thoughts. I know I am lovable because Jesus and Karen say I am lovable. My nieces and nephews love me; they like to talk to me, they look excited to see me, they jump to hug and kiss me. They are happy to let me touch them, stroke their hair and look in their eyes. There is freedom with them I don’t feel with most of the people in my life — they like to be loved. They let me encourage them. They trust me. I see in them, things I learned to dislike in myself and it helps me see that I have judged myself too harshly. I love watching them grow. I know God feels this for me. When it is just Him and me, life is easy. But I let “what if’s” collect. Sometimes it is next to impossible to detach from these…but I haven’t purposely been using the tool of detachment for very long; I am sure it will get easier.
Isn’t it sad that many of us would never think to consider whether we like ourselves or not? It never occurred to me until I was in my early 30’s and I have been working on it ever since. In the last 2 years I have been learning how to love myself; again an action that should be natural to oneself. I just didn’t know how before. I only knew how to maintain codependent behavior and relationships – neither of which are healthy or beneficial to both parties. Now that I know this, it is my job to change because that is part of the renewing of the mind that God sees for us and wants for us and at some point we must learn to embrace: I am at this point in my life.
I am smart, pretty, funny. I love to worship. I am talented singer, writer and crochet artist. As I grow in my gifting of empath I know better how to encourage and pray for people. I love my wife and I like to make her life easier by cooking, cleaning and mending her clothes and researching topics for our company or just for better conversation. I can brutally honest and elusive; both can be useful tools. I have everything I need. In fact in all the things that are important I am truly wealthy beyond measure.
I feel like I have been taught to see myself as unimportant and substandard but also tormented because I was expected to be more successful. I feel like I have felt feelings about myself that weren’t my own, but I adopted them. Even as I admit this, I hear how odd this might sound. I feel that I have under-valued myself and fostered self-hatred. I have asked God to help me see His value for me and teach me to love myself. I am seeing where I am treating myself with more grace, forgiveness and understanding. Physical and mental illness has turned into a blessing because they have forced me to slow down and evaluate my needs.
I don’t like certain triggers that cause me to over-react — or rather I don’t like that I haven’t learned to reroute all responses through my value for myself instead of through fear and panic, but I am confident in Jesus that as He heals me, I will keep becoming more renewed and comfortable in my identity in Christ.
I have been reading Codependent No More by By Melodie Beattie. A friend at church was listening to something I was sharing at a bible study and decided to buy it and have it sent to my home. I am slowly digesting and journaling my way through this book. I highly recommend it for those who are ready to be honest with themselves and want to learn another way to think and respond to the people and situations in their life.
that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith, that not of yourselves; it is a gift of God.Ephesians 2:7-8
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
The Lord is with you always.