I have been at a standstill for about a week, while reading, Codependent No More by By Melodie Beattie. I have read chapter 11: Have a Love Affair With Yourself, 3 times and I plan to read it again. I really want the good things to sink in and make it easier to let the negative things float away; or at least be able to lay them at the feet of Jesus and not want to come back to return them to their old spot on the shelf. I had a moment on Thursday where someone I care for let me know of a decision they had made about their health that caused me fear. As I began to “love them to death” with advise and other people’s opinions, they were becoming more and more defensive. Luckily Jesus is always faithful, not just to me but to everyone who love Him and I was able to see the unhealthiness I was suffocating them with and I was able to choose to stop.
I sometimes react to other people’s decisions based out of my own fear; fear for them and even fear for myself, if I was in their position. I obsess over my fear and compulsively throw facts and fears at that person, not because I want to add to the stress of their situation but because I want them to be fully prepared for the benefits or consequences of their choice. This might sound loving, but when I remove my feelings and think about that person, I see that I am not helping them at all. Unrequested advise is irritating and makes people feel like you don’t trust their judgement. Thank You Jesus (and Jamie) for helping me understand what I was doing to someone in my life that shared with me a hard decision they made regarding their health.
All my fears & facts were not telling them what I really think:
- I don’t know what it is like to live their life, in their body, with their chronic illness, which is very different from mine.
- I know they are intelligent and capable of researching and considering options and then making a decision that works for them.
- know they are strong enough to live with their decision.
- I respect and appreciate that they have been working with specialists to help them make their decision.
- I don’t intend to use my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Codependent tendencies to beat them up and abuse them and as I recognize what I am doing, I will stop because I love and respect them.
- I know we are equally stubborn and immoveable once we have made a decision and I know that I am wasting both our precious time with my obsessive, compulsive behavior.
- And the biggest one: No matter what my fears are, I believe in a HUGE God who loves them and cares for them and I have great peace in the knowledge that they believe in the same God and He leads them, and He honors their decisions, and He is always working for their good.
So…you know who you are…
I am totally supportive of your decision.
If there is anything other than prayer that you would like me to do for you, please ask. I don’t mind helping you research, if you ask. I haven’t listened very well lately but I am very good at listening when I apply myself. If there is anything I need to know that can make your visits with me easier or more comfortable for you, please tell me and I will attempt to make sure to provide what you need.
I probably wont bring this topic up anymore because I don’t want to slip back into my OCD habits; so don’t think I don’t care about you and what you are going through. In fact, please know that I REALLY care about you and I want to support you by not nagging and controlling you. There will be times I will be biting my tongue, on purpose, so I don’t step on your toes.
I am sorry for disrespecting you when you shared your decision with me and I hope you can forgive me. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t share things with me and in the future if you feel like I am becoming a pest, lets create a safe word. How about “Possum Gut Stew?” I think that is a phrase that doesn’t come up naturally in any of our conversations and it creates a mind picture that will throw me off my rant and help me return to listening to you. Plus it is funny to think about what we would put in it.
Congrats on your new decision! Hugs!
The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds him with His hand.
PS: Anyone reading this can feel free to use Possum Gut Stew to get me to realize I have overstepped a boundary. It is a really great thing to be supportive of each other and I know when I am talking, you can’t be without being rude, and I know you would never do that. I want to hear you too.
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
The Lord is with you always.