Chapter 9: Undependence

My mother needs me to depend on her. It is part of her codependence identity: approval seeking and need for other’s happiness because that is all she has.

I can’t be healthy and center my life around anyone else but God.

Ways to become Independent:

  1. Finish business from childhood to the best of our ability. Grieve. Gain perspective. Figure out how events from the past are still affecting life now.

    People who believe they are unloveable will treat you as though you are too.

  2. Nurture the inner child who is vulnerable, frightened and needy. She may not disappear. She may rear up at unexpected moments, whether provoked or not. Figure out what she needs.
  3. Stop looking for happiness in other people. Center life around yourself; our value and joy are inside ourselves. I don’t need approval or validation from others.
  4. Learn to depend on yourself. Be there for yourself. Don’t abandon yourself, needs, wants, feelings, life and spirit. Learn to solve problems or live with unsolved problems.
  5. Depend on God. He has never abandoned me. I abandoned me. He expects me to care for me.
  6. Strive for undependence. Examine the ways we depend on others emotionally and financially.

Courageous Vulnerability: Taking care of yourself even when you are scared you will fail. We don’t have to feel strong to care for ourselves.


Chapter 10: Live Your Own Life

Being involved in other’s drama = CRAZINESS

Tending to my own affairs = Sanity and HAPPINESS

  • When we are too involved in other’s lives we forget how to live and enjoy our own.
  • We may be in so much emotional distress that we may only be able to see our pain and think we have no life.
  • We can be more than our problems!
  • There is goodness and richness inside each of us.

Self-care is an attitude toward ourselves and our lives where I am responsible for my spiritual, emotional, physical and financial well-being.

  • I am responsible for leading my life or not.
  • I am responsible for defining and meeting my needs.
  • I am responsible for solving my problems or live with things I can’t change.
  • I am responsible for my choices. Not anyone else’s.
  • I am responsible for what I give and receive: time, knowledge, gifts of things or $ – measurable things
  • I am responsible for how much pleasure I find in my daily activities.
  • I am responsible for whom I love and how I choose to express this love.

codependentnomorebymelodybeattieMost codependent people don’t ask for what they need. Many haven’t even thought to what they need. Some people falsely believe their thoughts, needs, and wants are not important or they decided they were bad or wrong or unattainable so they push them out of their awareness. Some of us don’t know how to meet our needs appropriately.

Listen to “shoulds.” Decide if it is a want or need. Either let it go or create an action plan to change or do it.

What do I NEED to do today:

  • shower
  • exercise
  • make bed
  • eat lunch
  • vacuum
  • wash dishes
  • research Amos 1:2
  • read some of “Fried Green Tomatoes at The Whistle Stop Cafe”
  • work on crochet project
  • make dinner

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.


The Lord is with you always.

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