Remove the Victim

“We’re so careful to see that no one gets hurt. No one, that is, but ourselves.” Al-Anon Member

karpmendramatriangle“Codependents are caretakers – rescuers. They rescue, then they persecute, then they end up victimized. Study the Karpmen Drama Triangle,” he said.
Codependent No More page 83

Enabling is a destructive form of helping.

Especially in families, the victim, victimizer role can be shared. I enable you to use me while I use you and we both get what we want but still feel angry, used and victimized. This fosters self-hate and stops us from truly showing love to the people we play this drama game with.

It may never occurs to someone that they victimize people while they are also the victim. I am very aware of my behavior but I haven’t learned to consistently think and respond instead of being reactionary, especially with my family.

Making plans far in advance, with a real desire can be great – but when the day comes, if you no longer want to go, for any reason, either the need for the event has been filled another way or you have become busier than expected, it is ok to be honest. Sometimes plans can be mutually changed. No wonder family get-togethers can be so frustrating. It is hard for everyone to find time available at the same time so even though you might truly desire to see everyone, you might have a good reason not to go, but you feel obligated to go anyway which causes more stress, causing anger and feelings of victimization in a person who is codependent, since families often raise each other up, with the same coping skills….watch out!

Because of my own low-self-worth, I have chosen to enable or help people beyond what I should have because it gave me a punch of good feeling and power because I don’t really know who I should be responsible for and not responsible for. This behavior is a distraction from the pain of not feeling wanted or loved  and settling for being needed so I can prove how “good” and “worthy of love” I am. Sometimes I have rescued because specific people in my life have shown they could not do something and made me feel I had to do it for them. Eventually, no matter how smart or capable I knew they were, there was this one thing that they couldn’t do, which in reality they could – so I was justified in feeling power over their inability. This was what I got from the relationship; this was my pay. In my mind, I knew they could do this thing, but they didn’t want to, so it justified my anger, which led to my feelings of victimization, which led to the break down of our relationship.

Because I was always strong, I think certain people felt I was lazy or pitiful when I became ill after a lifetime of codependent behavior. I feel that and it causes me pain and since I don’t fully understand my value, it tears me down, which makes my chronic illnesses worse, so that I remain inactive and sick, even if it isn’t visible from the outside. This is a good reason for me to detach for a time until I respond to people out of my love and abundance, with an understanding of my limits, instead of obligation, history and frustration. Backing away is an act of love, not only for myself but for these people.

The bible tell us to give with a happy heart. If our heart is not happy, we will eventually feel angry and victimized. We should go to God and see what He wants us to give instead of giving until it hurts so we eventually share our pain…

SEEK GOD IN ALL THINGS!

My responsibilities as a daughter:

  • be honest
  • be respectful
  • help when I am able
  • work on boundaries
  • give out of my abundance and joy
  • communicate
  • listen

My responsibilities as a wife:

  • love, honor and respect Karen
  • care about the team
  • be honest
  • listen
  • stand beside
  • be supportive
  • communicate
  • be flexible
  • build myself for the team
  • edify
  • share
  • enjoy
  • give out of my abundance and joy
  • build the team with Karen

My responsibility as a friend:

  • be honest
  • listen
  • enjoy
  • share
  • give out of my abundance and joy
  • communicate

My responsibility at work:

  • manage my responsibilities
  • collaborate with Karen
  • be mindful of clients
  • be honest
  • communicate
  • listen

In all things I need to give from abundance. If am not practicing proper self-care I will cause more harm than good.

Many relationships are similar. All relationships rely on love, respect, honesty the ability to listen to them but also to me. I must look more to God to lead because He knows my boundaries and capabilities and limits better than I do.

While I am working on my body and mind and spirit, Karen works. She wants to remain the bread-winner. It is my responsibility to encourage her positivity, problem solve, be a good steward of resources and do things to help he rod well: cooking, cleaning, mending, but also build myself up so I can engage her mentally. She needs this. So do I.

I work a couple of days a week with managing the marketing for the company on Facebook, website and resources.

Saying “No” when I want to say “No” is something I will have to practice.

codependentnomorebymelodybeattieBeing myself regardless of what others want is refreshing. I am already being challenged by codependent people who can’t speak directly to me and engage others for them.

Saying “No” in a loving manner has been easier than I anticipated.

Because my parents and younger sister are trigger relationships I have backed away. I don’t know when I will re-engage with the. I will pray to God for guidance. I have specifically told my mother and sister that I am working on me and choosing to detach for awhile. My father and his wife, rightfully want the money I owe them. Until I can repay all of it, I will leave them alone.

As I move away from these trigger relationships I find it is easier to relate to my youngest sister. This is very interesting since we have not had a working relationship for years.

Feel free to leave your comments below!

My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.

Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.

If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:

Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.

I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.

I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.

Amen

The Lord is with you always.

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