Have a Love Affair With Yourself
What a novel idea; one I had never considered. I assumed that this chapter would be full of new thoughts and maybe it would inspire a lot in me. I read this chapter 3 times…
Many codependent people would never dream of treating others as they treat themselves. Other people would not let us. Our feelings of low self-worth cause us to not like ourselves or even consider loving ourselves.
- We hate ourselves
- We don’t like the way we look
- We hate our bodies
- We think we are stupid, incompetent, untalented and unloveable
- We think our thoughts and feelings are wrong and inappropriate
- We think we are unimportant and we don’t matter
- We shame other people’s desires and plans
- We think we are inferior and inappropriately odd
- Inside our minds we constantly torture ourselves
- Sometimes we punish ourselves openly and invite others to help us hate ourselves
- We believe taking care of our needs and wants is selfish
Codependents can actually be some of the most lovable, generous, good-hearted and concerned people we know.
Authentic guilt motivates change, teaches valuable lessons and fosters trusting relations with ourselves, God and others. Codependents use guilt to stay in a place of retribution and self-hate.
Some codependents don’t believe they deserve forgiveness. Some of us believe we can’t do anything right but we demand perfection rom ourselves. This is a trap we create in our mind.
I get let down by Mom because my low-self-worth and higher esteem for her lets her fail me in stead of anyone else. Her guilt keeps her away even more.
We must recognize we are abusing ourselves and not only stop and then make an effort to say positive things about ourselves to ourselves; show gentleness, kindness and understanding to ourselves.
Lord, I can’t carry this anymore. I can’t hold this against Mom because I let it happen. I am worthy of people who keep their word and if I need my hair done I should find someone and pay them to do it. If I can’t take care of my needs, I should try to change my situation instead of relying on her.
I know You live in me so I am not responsible for defining my self-worth; You are. I do not want to help Mom feel bad about herself. Lord please forgive me for allowing myself to be abused in this way and ultimately abusing Mom by helping her add to her guilt. I do not choose to hold Mom responsible for my responsibilities. Jesus please open Mom’s heart to Your light and truth. Please fill the space my neediness and readiness to be abused in myself and Mom with Your salvation. Please heal, seal and deal with my inadequacy and all fractured parts of myself, old feelings and spiritual forces I used to rely on to keep me in unhealthiness. Please show me what I look like in You regarding this.
Jesus please forgive me for judging myself and removing You from the Savior and author of my identity spot in my life.
Lord, help me act out of my value instead of desperation.
Guilt make everything harder!
Tools used by Codependent People:
- Low self-worth
- Refusal to enjoy life
- Staying so busy we can’t enjoy life
- Not allowing ourselves to feel good about things we do
- Heaping guilt and uncertainty on ourselves
- Running from relationships
- Avoiding commitment
- Seeking or staying in destructive relationships
- Avoiding healthy relationships
Out of high self-esteem comes true acts of kindness and charity.
To honor the self is to be in love with our own life; our possibilities and exploring our distinct potential as a human
“This above all: to thine own self be true and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” William Shakespeare
I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I want to trust my feelings and thoughts. I know I am lovable because Jesus and Karen say I am lovable.
My nieces and nephews love me; they like to talk to me, they look excited to see me, they jump to hug and kiss me. They are happy to let me touch them, stroke their hair and look into their eyes. There is freedom with them I don’t feel with most of the people in my life because they like being loved.
They let me encourage them. They trust me. I only want them to be happy. I see in them things I learned to not like in myself and it helps me see that I have judged myself to harshly or that I accepted judgement from others and let it feel like my own. I love watching them grow.
I know God feels this for me. When it is just Him and me, life is easy. But I let “what if’s” collect. Sometimes it is next to impossible to detach from those…but I haven’t purposely been using that tool for very long. I am sure it will get easier.
I am smart, pretty, funny and I love to worship. I am a talented singer, writer and crochet artist. As I grow in my gifting as an empath, I know better how to encourage and pray for people. I love my wife and I like to make her life easier by cooking and cleaning and mending her clothes and researching things for our company or just to have better conversations. I can be brutally honest or illusive – both can be useful. I have everything I need, in fact in all things that matter, I am truly wealthy beyond measure.
I feel like I have been taught to see myself as unimportant and sub-standard, but also been tormented because I was expected to be more successful. I feel like I felt feelings about myself that weren’t my own, but I adopted them. Even as I admit this, I hear how odd this might sound. I feel that I have undervalued myself and fostered self-hatred, but I know this is not true and I have asked God to help me see His value for me and teach me to love myself and I am seeing where I am treating myself with more grace and forgiveness and understanding. Physical and mental illness has turned into a blessing because they have forced me to slow down and evaluate my needs.
I don’t like certain triggers that cause me to overreact to rather, I don’t like that I haven’t learned to reroute my responses through my value for myself instead of from fear and panic, but I am confident that as God heals me, I will keep becoming more renewed and comfortable in my identity in Christ.
Guilt and shame are only meant for the moment to bring us to repentance and growth.
- My feelings matter
- I must not second guess decisions
- I must practice forgiveness toward myself and others
- No picking on myself!
- I must let myself shine through!
- I must be conscious of my needs and wants
- Impossible situations only lead to feeling trapped
- Knowing my needs and limitations and owning my time is not selfish but good self-care
- It is not okay to be critical or nagging of myself or others or scare myself with “what if’s”
Jesus I recognize that I still do not value myself as You do and I still judge others by an earthly standard. Sometimes I puff myself up to appear greater than I really feel about myself. I still take myself too seriously. I also blame Karen for being codependent to deflect from my poor communication.
There are people in my life that have little self-worth, that if I disagree with anything they say, they are defensive and feel torn down, when I wasn’t trying to criticize but was just saying what didn’t work for me.
Jesus please judge be the cross my right to set a standard or to keep setting a standard for others. Lord please show me my value and other’s value in You.
Please forgive me for judging myself and others. Please forgive me for acting higher than myself and others and for relying on old expectations instead of Your grace, love and mercy and Your value and identity.
Lord lead me to think, be aware and to seek consciousness for myself and others. Lead me toward bravery in my decisions.
I no longer want to repress or deny myself or disown who I am in You Jesus!
You didn’t make me to be a victim and I must stop making myself a victim.
Lord place Your love for others in my heart, mind, body and soul always so that Your grace and mercy brings others to good communication and feelings of acceptance and love.
I recognize I can’t change on my own but I am so thankful for Your new life that gets easier to live in.
Thank You for helping me stop hurting my sister the other day and stop and say what I really want to say – which led to good communication. Bless You Lord!
Teach me to stop picking on myself Lord. I want to stop doing this.
I am lovable and worth getting to know because You made me for loving and relationship.
Thank You Jesus for Your grace! Amen
Feel free to leave your comments below!
My name is Summer. That is how you can call me. I hope that I am a blessing to you. I am not perfect. I will fall again. But I am forgiven.
Do you know Jesus? Do want the Holy Spirit to fill you and give you understanding and salvation? Ask Him. Want someone to pray with you? Contact me.
If you would like to know Jesus as your friend, but want to make this amazing commitment by yourself please pray something like this:
Thank you Jesus that You are the Son of God, the God that created heaven and earth. Thank you Jesus that You came to earth in the form of a man so that You would be able to empathize with my humanity. Thank You that You did this in order to fulfill the promises You made at the foundation of the world.
I realize that I am a sinner and do things that hurt myself and keep myself away from you. Thank You that You died for my sins so that You could defeat death and bring me into Your life. Please forgive me.
I ask You to be Lord of my life. I ask you to heal my hurts and show me what my new life, empowered by You looks like. Thank You for Your mercy.
The Lord is with you always.